Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Eye, eye, sir

A couple of days ago I went for an eye exam. The first stage of the exam was as follows: I drove to an unfamiliar destination, the city of Davis, and realized I couldn't read the road signs. The second stage was making an appointment at LensCrafters and having an optometrist shine lights in my eyes and make me play video games with flashes of light and the alphabet.
Normally, I like eye exams because it never happens that the doc says, "Good news, your prescription hasn't changed." Thus I get to buy new glasses, which is like picking out a new identity. I never understood the appeal of contact lenses. If Clark Kent had contacts, what fun would that be for Lois or anyone else?
Unfortunately, this exam wasn't as much fun as usual. After making me zap a bunch of peripheral vision space invaders, the doc dilated my pupils and discovered two bad things. One was an incipient hint of a cataract in the right eye. However, he said it wasn't really so bad because it probably wouldn't grow very large until I'm in my seventies (which is only my next decade, but Al Gore says by then I'll be drowning in liquid ice cap, so what the hey.) The other thing the doc discovered is that there's a small hole in the retina of my left eye, which may or may not get worse, so he gave me a referral to an opthalmologist.
Funny the metaphors doctors use. This guy said the retina is "like wallpaper" and you never know when a small hole is going to turn into complete detachment with the wallpaper rolling right off the walls of my eyeball. You know, I've tried to remove some wallpaper in my time, and I don't remember it rolling off that easily. Still, I'll make that appointment with the opthalmologist.
In the meantime, I bought a new pair of glasses and refitted my old ones with new lenses. I plan to look good, and see well, until the day the wallpaper rolls up and the room goes dark.
I'm not depressed about this at all, strangely enough. My mother-in-law went through several eye procedures with great courage, despite the temporary loss of her astounding ability to paint. I don't have any visual talents to lose, except chick checking, couch potatoing and escaping into books, so I'm just going around soaking up the sights with my new prescription while I can.
And if worse comes to worst, and both eyes go blank, I'll look on the bright side and show great musical ability. Well, I won't be looking on the bright side exactly, but maybe I'll be swaying to my bright keyboard stylings. (Although I couldn't play before I went blind.)
At least I'll get to take my dog into restaurants. The world's first seeing-eye Maltese.
Yeah, I'm a hypochondriac.

8 Comments:

Blogger Dagny said...

I love being able to pick out new glasses. Also, if your sight goes, I'm not sure how much help Beansprout is going to be.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Tana Butler said...

I hope things only improve, Cranky.

Good luck with it all.

9:12 PM  
Blogger ilva said...

Beansprout might not help but Cookiecrumb will I'm sure, finally you could keep her on a leash. But I do hope the wallpaper will be as stubborn as it usually is

9:46 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Cranky,
I hate that damned space-invaders test. I find it almost impossible to not look toward the flashes and by the time I get through with both eyes I'm exhausted from not looking.

12:41 PM  
Anonymous kudzu said...

Ooooh, I'm just about to go in for my overdue opth. appt.

I find your Ray Charles bravado appealing, but I am seriously glad you are going to "real" docs.

My first "Eeeeek!" came when I tried to read a phone book in a dim corridor and thought I had gone blind. Now I curse small print and bad lighting in restaurants and blame it on everybody but myself.

Re: Ilva -- pray for stubborn wallpaper. (A very strange combination of words I never envisioned , no pun intended.)

7:26 PM  
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